I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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