Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
