i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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