how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
