dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
