i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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