I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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