To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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