There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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