Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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