Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
how does that bad decision feel?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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