She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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