Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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