i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
