so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
