The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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