The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
