My sheets look like a crime scene.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
