he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
