She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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