Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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