I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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