I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
