she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
