Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
