They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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