If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I need to align my fucking chakras
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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