.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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