I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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