Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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