he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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