My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
