tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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