Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
