Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
