I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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