I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
