ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
did i just pee glitter
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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