Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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