Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
