WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
