So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
