Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
