Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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