There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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