Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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