I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Buhtt sex?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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