she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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