You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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