I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
