I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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