You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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