my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
