i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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