I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
