Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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