I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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