You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
